Friday, July 03, 2009

I Guess You Had To Be There

So I was reading this blog a while back, and I came across an expression I never heard before. It was "Grinning like a possum eating shit off a hairbrush." This prompted a flurry of questions in my head:
1) What??
2) Why is the possum eating shit?
3) And why is he grinning about it?
4) Does shit taste better to a possum when served on a hairbrush?
5) And why is shit on a hairbrush to begin with?
I have no answers for any of it.
Fast forward to last Monday, when Max and I were at Red Robin having burgers. I had just recounted the above story to him, and he was as mystfied as I was. So we are sitting there and at Red Robin they always put fun stuff on their coasters:

So, fresh off the above conversation, I write this:

I show it to Max, and after we debate whether or not "eat shit off" is a verb (I say it is), he grabs the pen and writes this:

Which prompts huge fits of laughter from both of us. I tell you, laughs come cheap in this family. How fortunate that we are so easily entertained!

Monday, May 25, 2009


So I was surfing knitting blogs today and I found this post where there is a meme that all you do is google the word Unfortunately and your name, then you post the top ten results. So I did it, and here are mine.

1) Unfortunately, Karla and millions of others do not know that high blood cholesterol is nothing to worry about.

2) Unfortunately, Karla’s trust in this individual proved to be misplaced and due to her inexperience it only became apparent after an extended period of time.

3) Unfortunately, Karla has also tested positive for the same BRCA abnormality.

4) Unfortunately, Karla's interview was accidentally taped over; therefore, no quotations could be included.

5) Unfortunately Karla's case was not an isolated one.

6) Unfortunately, Karla applied too much; her sister vomited and choked to death.

7) Unfortunately Karla is from Canada and cannot remember the exact location of the store.

8) Unfortunately Karla is leaving Brisbane and you will need to make use of your voucher by the end of February.

9) Unfortunately, Karla developed Pyometria and was never bred from - a real pity, since she is a lovely bitch with excellent qualities and a great bloodline.

(I can't tell you how hard I laughed when I read that one.)

10) Unfortunately, Karla stated that it was determined that the well is no longer serviceable.

I am glad that none of these poor Karlas are me, although I could be described as a lovely bitch with excellent qualities.

You should try it and see what comes up for you.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Blogging Is Funny That Way

One day you decide to start a blog and you start writing stuff down, and pretty soon everything in your head runs through a "is this blogworthy?" filter. All your most meaningless and stupid thoughts are out there for everyone to see, too bad only 3 people are looking and they are your family and know all your stuff anyway.

Then you move and you use the blog to chronicle your new life in a new place that is so different from the place you were. It is all very interesting and photo worthy for about 2 years until you realize "hey, I blogged about this last year" and discover that life has settled down and there is really nothing new to report.

And then you discover Facebook, you find all your friends on it, and you find that all your desire to blog has vanished and that you can satisfy your need to be heard in one or two sentences a few times a week.

Well, that about sums it up.

This does not mean that I will never blog again, it just explains my absence here. I can be found on Facebook these days. Come be my friend! Don't worry, I will not try to send you drinks, flowers, or ghetto snacks. And I won't be informing you of my Fairy name, Mafia name, or Hip Hop name. And I will not be telling you which Buffy the Vampire Slayer character I am most like. You will just get my former blog blathering in smaller doses.

I have this other blog called Knitmare on Elm Street, which I do not post to either because someone invented Ravely which is like Facebook, only for knitters. I have toyed with the idea of revving that blog up to chronicle my adventures in knitting but as of now I am too lazy for it. Maybe with summer coming there will be more time.

So that's it for now. Hope to see you somewhere sometime. Over and out.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The Last Line Is Sarcasm

I was young once. I remember it well. Actually most of my memories are hazy but the funny ones are more vivid. So anyway, when I was in Junior High, my friends and I would gather at my house after school, because there was no parental supervision to keep us from running amok. One of things we enjoyed was making prank phone calls. We did the typical stuff--"Is your refrigerator running?" "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?", it was silly fun. I kind of feel sorry for kids today, as the advent of caller ID has taken all the fun out of prank calls. I always felt like my kids would have been great prank callers, hilarious ones. During Max's middle school years, I felt sorry for the telemarketers who called us because he would turn it back on them in the most creative and funny ways. Once he told a telemarketer not to call anymore because his mother was passed out drunk on the couch and that she would beat him again if the phone woke her up. I know that as the parent I am supposed to give disapproving looks and lectures about that stuff, but as always I just laughed.

Now Leo is a ninth grader, the perfect prank calling age. When I got home from work today I found out that Leo made a prank call. A brilliant one, for two reasons:
1) He used someone else's cell phone.
2) He called the headquarters of the KKK and asked if he could join their club, and would it be a problem because he was black.

I cannot believe I high-fived my son for making a prank phone call. I'm a great mom.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

All Caught Up

I had big plans for today. Clean the house thoroughly, take stuff to the recycling place, go grocery shopping. However, none of that got accomplished. Here's what did get done:
1) An hourlong phone conversation with my best friend during which I attempted to get her to meet me in California in July for the Feast of Lanterns. This invitation goes out to all my other friends too.
2) Other long phone conversations with friends.
3) Knitting! Finished a washcloth and a baby sock which is the cutest little thing!
4) Watched TV. An hour of Heroes, 4 hours of Lost, Gone Country, Suze Orman, and some show that's like Extreme Home Makeover except it's a mobile home in a trailer park.
5) Took a nap.
So as you can see, I may not have gotten done what I wanted to get done, but I definitely got what I needed to get done, done.
OK I'm done.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Steak - The Next Generation

This post is about steak. My dad used to grill up awesome steaks. So did my brother. Here is a steak picture from about 45 years ago:

This picture was taken in our backyard. We had a huge brick barbecue pit and it got used a lot. My dad and my brother loved a good steak, and they loved making them as much as eating them. I remember once at my sister's house, my dad and brother were barbecuing on a Weber grill. My brother kept shooting water through the air vent holes in the lid, creating so much smoke that I thought for sure the fire department was going to show up. Everyone was coughing and through all the smoke I see my brother turn to my dad and say "Good Smoke", and my dad replied back, "Good Smoke". It was hilarious! Those steaks were really good too. Anyway, all this to say that steak and barbecue have been part of the family as long as I can remember.

So you would think that I would know how to cook a steak, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. I have a reputation in my family as a non-cooker. And you'd think that as much as I love food, that I would have taken the time to learn how to make it. Sadly, this has not been the case. This is not to say that I don't cook at all, but I rarely take the time and effort to make a really good meal.

I do get bursts of inspiration from time to time. They usually come after long periods of watching Food Network. The last burst came right before Christmas, when I had the presence of mind to ask for a cast iron grill/griddle as a present from the boys. And they bought me one! So far I have used it about three times. And I saw where Rachel Ray made steaks on one. So I went to one of my favorite blogs, The Pioneer Woman, and found this. I followed her basic rules and threw some top sirloin steaks on my grill. And guess what? They turned out fantastic! The best steak I EVER made BY FAR!!! My kids could not believe it, as they have been eating my cooking their whole lives and know what happens when I go into the kitchen. We were all so excited that Max took a pioture with his cell phone:

My dad and brother would be so proud of me! I am so proud of me!! Thank you Pioneer Woman for showing me the light!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Random Crap

I almost wrote Random Carp but that would not have made any sense, so Random Crap it is.

1) There is this show on XM called blog radio where they play all this obscure stuff and they played this song and it has stuck with me, I love it for really deep reasons that I cannot put my finger on.

2) February Supper Club was last night and the theme was Chocolate and Wine. There was lots of both. Andrea made a delicious chicken mole and I don't even like mole. And Jen C. made the best cake I have ever eaten. Chocolate sour cream cake with peanut butter cream cheese frosting topped with chocolate ganache. Seriously. The Best Cake Ever. It was a lot of work, so I'll never make it which is probably a good thing.

3) This sock I am knitting, the yarn was given to me and I like it because it is self patterning, but the colors are not my faves, too much red and not enough blue.

4) I am undefeated in Wii boxing. This has pissed Max off to the point where he won't play with me anymore. He keeps reminding me that if we were actually boxing that he would put me in the hospital. Nobody is disputing that. But I think Max should let his mother have her fun. It's just a game, right?

5) I have an appointment tomorrow morning for a complete physical. Let's just say that I have been dancing for a long time, and now it's time to pay the piper. Oh boy.

6) Enjoy your Sunday.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Meet Johnny

My good friend Elizabeth phoned me the other night to inform me that it was Linda Blair's 50th birthday. The reason that this merited a phone call is that Linda Blair and her movies had a profound effect on us. Here is the story.

I read somewhere once that the teen years are the most impressionable that a person will be in their entire life and that the stuff you liked back then you will like throughout your life. This has certainly proven to be the case with me and my friends. We all remember the same stuff, and here is why.
1) The TV only had 13 channels. There was no cable. It's true! Therefore, everyone watched the same stuff on TV.
2) There were no VCR's. You couldn't record a show and watch it later. (I know, how did we survive those dark times?) Consequently, everyone watched the same stuff at the same time.
Bacause of these two things, certain TV events were the talk of the school the next day. The more memorable ones were Roots and Trilogy of Terror, but the one that I remember as being the most talked about among my teenage girlfriends was a movie of the week called "Born Innocent" starring Linda Blair. We already knew her from "The Excorcist", so we couldn't wait to see what kind of role she would play next. And she did not disappoint!

She played a teenage girl that ended up in Juvenile Hall for reasons that escape me. In fact, most of the movie escapes me now except for that one scene. The scene we all talked about the next day. The scene where she was raped with a toilet plunger handle in the shower by the other girls there. They called the plunger Johnny. They said meet Johnny and then they raped her. Whoa. It was a fairly graphic scene and left a serious impression on all of us. As I recall, none of us ever ended up in Juvy. Or is it Juvie?

If you click to make this bigger, you can read the back of the DVD box in the original 70"s curvy font. Awesome!

And the front of the box is hilarious!

The next movie of the week she was in was called "Sarah T, Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic". It was good, but not as controversial and we must not have learned any lessons from it since by that time we were all stealing liquor from our parents' cabinets.

Sarah T., your efforts were in vain!

So anyway, I couldn't talk to Elizabeth the other night when she called because I was out knitting at Starbucks with a bunch of people, so the next morning she calls me at 6am to tell me that I should knit a plunger cozy. For Johnny. I declined. Then she said that if we lived closer then we could rent Sarah T. and watch it over drinks. That sounds perfect.

So Happy 50th, Linda. And thanks.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Out Of The Loop

Our phone and internet was out for 5 days. Seemed like a year. Irritating yet strangely peaceful. Totally inconvenient for sure. But we are back now. Yay!

Snow is melting slowly, no longer having to shovel the path to freedom. Starting to decompress from all the stress of the past month. Today I was actually able to enjoy some music in the car instead of trying not to slide off the road or hit another car.

I hope we have a long hot summer.

(Don't remind me that I said this when I complain about the heat in August. Thank you.)

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Roof Drama

So yesterday Steve and I decided that enough was enough in terms of snow on the roof, and made plans for him to shovel it all off today. I went to bed feeling good and relieved that I would no longer have to worry about one of those pesky roof collapses I have been hearing about every day here. I thought I was home free. After all, the roof had held and was not even making any creaking sounds.

Until this morning at 4 am.

The cracking sound woke me out of a dead sleep and I sat straight up in my bed. I thought that maybe I had dreamt it until it happened again 10 minutes later. I laid in my bed listening to the roof crack every 5-15 minutes until 5 am, then got dressed and went out into the living room until 5:30 when I couldn't take it anymore and called Steve, who said it was ok, we had a plan, just go downstairs where the collapsing roof cannot hurt you. So I woke up Leo and herded the cats and we all went downstairs where I felt better because I could no longer hear the cracking and managed to sleep for another hour until I got Steve. Thank God for him. He has been on the roof since about 9 am and now it is 4:15 pm and he is about 2/3 done.

Even though all the snow will be off the roof by the next storm which is tomorrow night, I am still a little nervous, all that cracking this morning made me jumpy. Please please get the snow off your roof if you can.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Freedom Isn't Free

But it sure is beautiful!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Happy New Snow, I mean YEAR! Happy New Year!

I don't think it will come as a surprise to anyone if I report that it is snowing again. This time we are supposed to get 5-7 inches, which in reality means about 2 feet. But that is OK because I have 4 days off which will give me plenty of time to deal with the roof when it collapses! We didn't do much last night. I did manage to stay awake for midnight, but only because I had a 90 minute nap earlier, or as I like to call them, periods of unconciousness brought on by shovelling snow.
So now it's 2009. I don't like resolutions because I suck at keeping them. But here is something I plan to do this weekend--organize my yarn. That is a big job because first I have to figure out where in the world I am going to put it all. I may even have to get rid of some. Just thinking about it is exhausting. I need some coffee. Be right back.

(Insert cheesy hold muzak here)

That's better. anyway, back to resolutions. I think I would do better if I just made resolutions at the start of every day, and just make the same ones over and over every day. I can do anything for a day that would kill me if I thought I had to keep it up for a year. Maybe not a day. Maybe fifteen minutes. I can do anything for 15 minutes. So today my fifteen minute resolutions will include cleaning my house, folding laundry (wow I'm really pushing it here), and taking down the Christmas decorations.

I feel another period of unconciousness coming on. Happy New Year everybody.